The Dark Path of Depression
Why am I feeling this? What’s wrong with me? How long will this go on for?
These questions controlled my life, but now I’m finally telling my story.
Depression doesn’t just happen overnight. I wish my parents had seen the signs early on. I was self-harming as early as age 6.
I felt like there was something wrong with me. I didn’t know how to handle my feelings, and it made me beyond frustrated. So I took it out on myself.
I wasn’t allowed to cry. Whenever I cried, I got yelled at because I was supposed to be strong. I was taught that showing your feelings was a weakness, but I couldn’t help it.
I always had to apologize for expressing my feelings, and having an emotionless family made it impossible to talk to anyone. Being ashamed of my emotions made them numb. With that numbness and inability to express myself, I turned to self-harm.
I’ve been doing it my whole life, and no one has ever noticed.
As time went on, I kept everything to myself because I felt like no one deserved to have my weight put on their shoulders. I felt like there were people worse off than me.
When High School came around, the stress and anxiety of grades made me hate myself even more. I wasn’t the perfect straight-A student I wanted to be, and my grades were slipping by each day.
It felt like a dark hole that I couldn’t climb out of. So I just gave up and accepted being a failure. All the days were the same, and I was just sick of living.
Self-harming was a way to feel something because my emotions were so numb. I didn’t think it was wrong because I believed I deserved it.
I told myself that the world didn’t revolve around me and everyone had more important problems. I told myself that I was being selfish and that I was just looking for attention. I told myself that all my feelings were fake.
That was until I finally got help.
I reached out to my mom who got me therapy and I started medication. It was a long road to feeling like myself again.
At first, I didn’t want to get help. I believed that I didn’t deserve it, but what I didn’t realize back then was that I deserved to be happy.
Everyone deserves to be happy. Depression is a hard thing to face because it’s not just something you can wish away.
I had to realize through time that I deserve to feel alive. I want to live for the people who love me and for myself. I will always be thankful for the friends who were by my side.
Does it get better?
Your mental health takes time to heal just like scars. And I know how hard it is to begin to love yourself again.
So start with the little things. Going outside, eating your favorite snack, watching your favorite shows. These things are simple but impact your mental health greatly.
It’s a time where you can relax and do something that makes you happy. Being kind to yourself is very important for the healing process.
Another way is reaching out for help. By reaching out you’re not only helping yourself, but you’re also helping the people who love you.
Reach out to an adult you trust and seek professional help. This is a huge step for healing.
You’re not alone. This blog is a place where we acknowledge you and your well being. We see you and we care. You aren’t just another person to us.
Should I be ashamed of my scars?
The short answer is no. Scars are a symbol of survival. Your scars show that you went through something, but you got through it.
At first, I was ashamed of my scars. I even went to the beach in a T-shirt because I was too afraid of what people would think of me. But as time went on I learned to accept myself and think of my scars as a symbol of growth.
If you or someone you know is dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, or self harm please reach out. There are hotlines for suicide prevention and for self harm.
So to whoever is reading this, I want you to know that you deserve to be happy no matter what. No one is perfect. All we can do is move forward.
It may feel like the storm is drowning you, but storms pass and the sun comes out. You are never alone and you’re not selfish for reaching out for help.
If I can help one person feel less alone, reaching out and telling my story will be worth it.
I want to thank Sachi Kataria for making this blog and giving me this opportunity to tell my story and to help readers like you.